I Cry
by PunkKity
Summary: "You belong, with me." Words everyone wants to hear but they aren't that easy to believe when you already feel that you don't fit into either of the worlds you grew up in.   Sequel to Sad As Me


**A/N **

**This is the second part to ****Sad As Me. **** There is mention of cutting in this story you have been warned. If you don't like it or can't handle the content please don't read. Thanks**

**I Cry**

**I do Not own Degrassi, I own the elastics on my wrist though.**

I remember when you found out, I had taken a chance a risk in letting you get close to me, I told myself again and again that it would only lead to trouble. That the guy I met on Vegas Night, the guy who pushed himself on me was the real you...you proved me wrong, so very wrong. You broke down my walls and I was left open and ready to be pushed to the ground again, I make bad choices when it comes to matters of the heart. My mind told me I was doing it again but my heart said the opposite and I didn't know which to believe.

You didn't push me to be with you; we hung out, went to the movies a lot and just hung out. You held my hand or wrapped an arm around my shoulders. Kissing you was sweet and ever rushed. I never felt pressure and I often let myself be the girl no one else saw around you. So that day when you when walked in on me changing my shirt my world crumbled, you didn't look disgusted you looked shocked and then said, your sadness ate at me.

I broke; the tears that didn't come when I cut into my flesh came from the look on your face. I stood there silently, crying and I couldn't stop, my shirt was in my hands and I didn't even care that I was standing in front of you in my bra. You closed my bedroom door and just stood there looking at me, at the evidence of what I do to myself daily because I just don't fit and now I've show you that we don't fit. That I'm not the girl you think I am, I self mutilate because it's the only way I know of that allows everything to just go away.

I allowed myself to fall to the ground hugging my sides, I couldn't look at you, I didn't want to see that look in your eyes again. I was surprised to feel you surround me, arms wrapping me in your strong arms and holding me tight. You stayed like that just holding me as I cried, I don't even know for how long, but when you let me go and trailed your fingers over the marks new and I took the chance to look at you. Still no disgust, I watched your throat work as you swallowed and lifted your eyes to mine. "Why Al?"

I didn't know how to explain why, even as you lifted my arms and slipped my shirt over my head. "It makes it better." I knew you wouldn't understand but you didn't look at me like I was screwed up, even though I was, you just looked at me with the same warmth you always did and it made the tears flow again. How could you look at me that way? "Makes what better, I want to understand why you do this to yourself..." He wasn't being gentle, he was just being him, just being the same guy who took me to the movies, played video games with me and talked on the phone till dawn because I couldn't sleep.

He was still Owen, and I knew that even if I explained it wouldn't make sense. "Alli, I don't have to understand just tell me, anything." He said again still just holding me; I nodded my head and took a deep breath. "It makes things feel right...when I do it; the feeling of not belonging goes away." I said looking at the floor of my room I can't look at him I was so afraid that he wouldn't understand or this would change everything and I would lose the one person who actually mattered, who had enough of me to break me apart if they walked away. He knew more about me now then Clare did.

"Alli you belong." I shook my head. "No I don't I don't fit in my parents world and I don't fit at school, I didn't fit in at Degrassi. I just don't fit." I took a deep breath and took the risk in looking at him. He seemed confused but still him. "Explain." How could I? But then how could I not? Moving away from him and his warmth I shivered as I took a seat at the end of my bed. I started slowly, my words quiet. "I just wanted to fit in, not be the geeky Muslim girl whose parents made her cover up from head to toe. Moving to Degrassi gave me that chance...I changed clothes before school...and I met Johnny, and thought it would make me cool to be with the older boy, the bad boy. "I stopped and looked at my hands which I was wringing. "At first he didn't want me but I chased him anyway, eventually I got the guy, but I thought that I needed to use my body to make him stay."

Owen groaned softly and got off the floor coming to sit beside me. "You slept with him, and you weren't ready." I nodded my head. "I felt so...dirty?" I said the words softly looking away. "That was the first night I did it." After that it had been her way of getting to the next day. "We agreed not to do it again, things were okay...but when his attention started to slip I got desperate and tried sexting...things spiralled out of control. I found out he lied to me about me being his first too and that he might have an STD." That night and the nights after had been the hardest, she couldn't tell her mom and dad that she'd had sex, let alone that she was being tested for an STD.

So she did what she had become used to doing. She sat in her bathroom and had dug lines into her sides and stomach, she still cried then. "I tested negative and I broke up with him...but it didn't make it easier." She had kept her secrets to herself, Clare knew and eventually Jenna but that was all. "Cutting realised everything I kept inside. It made me feel like I wasn't dirty." I shrugged continuing to look at my hands. "I've made so many mistakes trying to fit into two places...two to very different worlds."

His hand reached over and grabbed mine interlacing our fingers. "Alli you belong, I know you don't think you do, but you do." I know he wanted me to believe him but it was so hard. "When my parents found out everything, I couldn't look at them...they thought I was dirty, and I could see it in their eyes." Sometimes she still saw it. "I broke their trust and their hearts and I tainted myself in their eyes." He squeezed my hand and used his free one to make me look at him. "You are not dirty or tainted or anything else, we make mistakes as people we have that right."

I nodded my head logically I knew that but it didn't change how I felt and my need to make it feel less of a burden. "Drew was just as bad, I tried to use my body but it wasn't enough, I tried being his friend and it wasn't enough he still went to Bianca, he still cheated on me." It just proved to her that she wasn't enough and she didn't belong. "Drew was an idiot." I shook my head and was stopped. "Yes he was, Alli he was stupid to not want to keep you." I don't believe him his words are pretty, but my back is against the proverbial wall. He clenched my hands. "Alli if you chose to believe anything, please believe me."

I shook my head. "Believe me when I say that, you belong with me. Six months of spending all my time with you has proven to me that much and I have become a better person for it. I won't ask you not to do it anymore, but I will ask you that every time you get that need, that urge...you think about something we've done. Every time you think you don't belong call me, we can talk all night or I can come get you." His hands were on my face wiping away tears I didn't realize were falling. "I couldn't do that." I said and shook my head the best I could with his hands still there. "Yes you could, I want you too. I care about you a lot Alli." I frowned and he smirked.

"I want to be with you, you belong with me. I will prove that to you, just as I will prove that you belong in both worlds you live in." I frowned again. "I don't." He shook his head. "You do, Alli you don't have to have the same traditions to belong in your families 'world' and you don't need to be the most popular to belong everywhere else." I wanted to protest, that it wasn't just the popularity it was more. "I know it's more but Alli, just being you makes you belong."

I don't really understand but I know that he will spend all his time trying to make me see it. Try to make me realize that maybe I do belong... I won't stop cutting right away but maybe with his help I can start to take the right steps...who knew the day I started hanging out with Owen would be the day that allowed me to start to see how things could be...

**A/N**

**I don't know if this makes sense, I wrote it at like four-six in the morning and yeah this is what came out. I actually like it...but you be your own judge. **

**Review. Please. **

**.**


End file.
